The Low Points in Life

Last year I was asked to write about a time that my life was a mess AKA a hard time that was chaotic and "messy" and surely, it was easy to point out the messes in my life, for there were so many times I could find what I did wrong, or how life had been hard. It's something we as humans are very good at, comparing, envying, wanting what we can't have. It's only natural. Anyways, so as I was about ready to write my short narrative on how hard my life had been,  something else was mentioned about the prompt: that we were to write not just about how the mess was hard, but rather how it was beautiful. This definitely presented a challenge but eventually I thought of the perfect experience. When life was rough, In fact, I actually chuckled at memory of that specific rough year, recalling how hard it had been, and how easy it had become since then. This was my final passage:

My Beautiful Mess

"I still remember 2014. That was the year I went numb. No, no tragic hospital event or illnesses went on , no painstaking injuries. Rather , something a bit more permanent. I lost enthusiasm. I stopped caring. My life was at its low point on the plot of life. It had reached the “messy point”. I would wake up in my messy room, walk mindlessly to school , falsely smile at people who said hi. I was in my own transparent world. Letting people’s ideas and enthusiasm pass through me. I soon was in my own world in a different setting. Instead of brick walls and white tiles showing through the translucent girl that I was, tree’s and soil, air and skies painted a picture in my world it started out slow, as girls camp started, it resembled my empty habits of school. But when testimony night hit, I sat. Sat in a group of warmth and emotion. People that cared. It was the day before the last day of camp. Something broke through. Maybe it was all the emotion, the love, the spirit I felt. Maybe it was the tree’s working on my soul. The sky lifting my world back to where it should be. I cried. I felt  the love break through the emptiness. I was in the same place as they were. Happy again. I cared. I cared for a life that brought happiness and helped people to be in the right world . The mess I had for a whole year, had brought me to learn to feel, it taught me why it was important to feel. And I loved it, getting to feel like I was loved. And normal. It was beautiful. "

This past month has been quite rough for me. A lot of things have come up that I could never see myself being able to deal with. And yet, I have seemed to be here, doing them. I guess that's always the good part of hard stuff, it makes you learn to deal with it so that the next hard thing is easier. Simple enough. And yet, when going through that hard stuff it makes enduring it seem impossible. As I've been trying to "do" life these past months, I've slowly begun to fall back to the same feelings I had in 2014. The feelings of not caring, not feeling much, not finding joy in anything. As I was thinking about it all this writing from last year came to mind. I guess that if I made it through all of that, that I can go through what I'm currently dealing with. Though I have no idea how yet, I am going to end this week with a hopeful attitude, because someday, I may look back to 2016 as the beautiful messy year that I made it through, and perhaps, I will chuckle at the memory of how chaotic ridiculous  and absolute beautiful this year was. I look forward to that day. ♡